Consenting to the hormonal-impulse approach of making a marriage decision can be very romantic but dull. The feeling of being in love with someone and thinking we’ve finally found that ONE person who can complete our soul can seldom take us to heaven and rather often is the perfect spell for tragedy. This is exactly why people from white- to blue-collar workers, from students to artists and from business people to heads of state don’t get it right on the first and sometimes even the second, third or fourth attempt. Research shows that “the ability to select a suitable partner comes with age and maturity,” which means that these two all-inclusive factors play an important part on whether a relationship has a better chance of succeeding over another one. Of course the age at which maturity comes varies from person to person according to their own experiences, but in general terms these two are crucial.
She moved to the States a few years ago and a few months later she had already started a relationship that lasted for about 2 years before the rose-colored glasses began to break. Cheating on his part was the key factor to destroy that relationship, but she was so attached to him that it took her over a year to let it go. The story of what followed next in very rough terms involved a trip to her native country, and a reunion, later reconciliation, with an ex. The typical, you may think. At her 19 years of age, she and him decided to get married; news that took me by surprise as I knew how extremely passionate and romantic she is and how extremely dangerous those feelings can turn to be when one’s in love. He proposed to her in a seemingly romantic way, and she delighted herself showing her ring to friends through pictures. I’m not here to judge her, as she is my friend, but I certainly thought, by then, that maybe she hadn’t given enough thought to it, and I’m not even mentioning the guy cause I don’t know him.
The first few questions that crossed my mind as soon as I heard the rumors and that I later asked to her included: How are you guys going to support yourselves? How is it going to work? When are you getting married? When did you meet this guy? Where are you going to live? Do your parents know about this? What do they think? As though she had seriously thought about everything, I got an answer for each question, but it still wasn’t too clear for me. She lives with her parents in the States; the guy lives in South America. She works, and he’s still studying. They had met when they were like 15, and they had dated for a while. For some reason, I just couldn’t see the connection as easy as she put it because it was obvious to me they had changed and that it was too early to begin again, especially if it was with a wedding ceremony. Nevertheless, one can only support friends because even if we try to help; it is most likely that they won’t learn from our experiences but theirs.
I thought she had most definitely rushed into making or rather consenting to a marriage decision without giving herself time to see what in the relationship or him had changed and whether things could work this time considering she was only visiting and would be going back to the States. If you think about it, the situation had not changed at all. She went to visit but her life was still in the States and his was back in South America… Wasn’t that the reason why they broke up in the first place? She said she knew the guy real well and that the reason why they had ended their romance a few years back was because of her moving to the States. So what had changed? I don’t see how one can leave a relationship then come back a few years later and expect it to be the same as though the time in between didn’t exist. Moreover, I don’t see how one can pick it up again, not even at the same point in which it was left but about 50 steps ahead. A rushed marriage decision is just what happens when one is in desperate need to fill the void. Especially in her case considering the previous tormenting relationship that took her a while to overcome. I could hardly understand it and accept it, but there was nothing else I could do other than wish that it would turn into a Cinderella story and hope that things would work out for the best.
Although I’m not an expert in relationships or the subject of love, at least I know that chemistry isn’t enough to keep a relationship going. There are too many different dimensions, and it takes too many different variables to work well at once to make an engagement get ahead. A month and a few days went by and things between them seem to be going just fine. She went back to the States now engaged, and they had these seemingly great plans in which she would go back to South America in a year to get married and then back to Florida while he would process his papers to move to the States and finish his studies there. I don’t know the rest of the details, but it seemed like they had it all planned. She even went to buy her wedding dress and everyone seemed to be taking it normally as though it was just an every-day decision. I kept thinking it was crazy and suspected that it wasn’t going to work out; I’m sorry to say I was right. Unfortunately or fortunately, a couple of days after the wedding-dress shopping had taken place, the guy decided to step back. He said something like “I don’t love you enough as to move to the States” and there went the happy ending after they decided to call it quits.
I’m not even going to rant on why the heck the guy didn’t think of that before proposing to her, but rather I post this question: was it an unfortunate event? Well of course it was in the sense that he broke her heart, but at the same time I think it was fortunate in the sense that least it happened before the relationship advanced any further considering that he was only building false hope. As painful and difficult as break-ups can be, it would have been much worse to leave her standing on the altar or maybe having a joyful ceremony but filing for divorce later on. In that department, they saved themselves from becoming just another statistics. I guess it happened for a reason and as much as her heart is aching now, I hope she can successfully recover. It is only natural after a heart is broken to have feelings of disbelief, depression, shattered dreams and anger; but I hope she can find her way back into life and move on until her time to wed blissfully arrives. Examining one’s true feelings and motives after a broken engagement can provide individuals with more wisdom, serenity, and wholeness to the next relationship, so I hope this served as a wake up call and that from now on she can actually think things through a bit more, especially when they are related to love.
Things will come to all of us at the right time, therefore it’s important not to rush things but rather let them happen when they need to. Although there are several factors that contributed to this break-up, the ones that jump to sight are age and lack of love on his part. I do not mean to dwell on painful topics and maybe it doesn’t matter anymore why this relationship failed; but I honestly think it was the result of a rush, of not thinking things through and of a desperate need of love. Because choosing the right partner is one of the most important decisions individuals make during their lifetime, this step requires more than an adrenaline rush of love. In addition and because marriage takes place in a rapidly changing world, it is important that partners communicate to each other openly about these changes so that they can develop a sense of teamwork when making joint decisions and are therefore able to stay on the same page.
When examining what it takes to make a relationship work, it helps to be aware of our surroundings and consider the relationships of those who have tried and succeeded as well as those who have tried and failed. Of course the experience of love is unique for every person, and measuring the potential success of one relationship based on another would be subjective. However, there are certain useful elements to consider when choosing a mate, and a few essential compatibilities can make all the difference between a make-up and a break-up. “It is better for girl to sleep a hundred years and be kissed and awakened by the right prince than to stay awake and be kissed a hundred times by the wrong frog.”
Image by: Mary R. Vogt @ Morguefile